I wasn't always fearful...

tapping my inner child in as I struggle to find my bravery again.

I recently heard someone say that to be optimistic is to be in a loving relationship with the future. As someone struggling to keep optimism alive in these times, I have found this cognitive reframe helpful.

I finally had a conversation with my boyfriend that I had been putting off for sometime, not intentionally but subconsciously.

For the entirety of our relationship, and really for the entirety of the 4 years he’s known me, I have not been fully transparent about my past work as a human rights lawyer. The reason is mostly rooted in the fact that I laid that identity to rest in 2020. And in 2021 when we met I was very intention about speaking less about that part of my work as part of my attempt to transition from that identity. While I struggled a bit to shed parts of that human rights lawyer identity publicly, I never felt the need to be in “lawyer mode” in our bubble. He did not and does not bring “lawyer mode” out of me and I’ve always appreciated him for it. I’m heavy in “baby girl” energy with him and I love that for me.

Anyways, I digress…

On the day I decided to tell him about my past work in human rights, we had been in the middle of a conversation about fear and it occurred to me that he had not experienced me at the height of some of my bravest moments. And so I told him to settle in while I finally shared that part of myself with him.

I told him about my past work with survivors of human trafficking, my almost run in with a cartel because of a client I was representing, my being doxxed during the first Tr*mp presidency because I was on the frontlines supporting immigrants impacted by the first Muslim ban. I filled in with vivid detail the parts of my story he only knew about in broad strokes. I told him about the fear that was present in those years and of my choice to stay brave even when I felt uncertain. I told him about my “Amal Clooney” dreams and the experiences that eventually led me to lay those dreams to rest.

I shared the heartbreak but also the miracles in that chapter of my story.

When I was done, he had a strong look of admiration in his eyes and told me he was proud of all the things I had been through and how they had shaped the woman I had become. Very sweet, but his response revealed to me that I wasn’t quite there internally.

I realized that part of the reason I hesitated sharing those parts of my story were rooted in a feeling of recklessness that my current self does not always appreciate. The decisions I made in my early career are not necessarily decisions my current self would make because “I know too much now.” Which upon further reflection just means I have internalized the myth that the future isn’t going to look much different from the past. I’ve been heavily in the “history just keeps repeating itself” camp lately. And my own present day lack of vision and bravery have created an internal limiting belief loop that has been hard to break out of.

When I quit the human rights legal world in 2020, my vision was to open up a transformation management Agency that would resource people with frameworks, strategies, and policies to create a flourishing future. I brought on some people I trusted, and placed my last shreds of optimism into building an organization that would “actually do the work.”

But then…
I ran into the bureaucracy of being a Founder, the disappointment of people’s behaviors when accountability is not just a buzzword but a living value, the limitations of my own capacity, the theft and erasure of my work.

Still I showed up for the vision and for my community. Persevering, pivoting, learning on the go. Bruised and hurt, but continuing to provide support as needed.

A few months ago, my Change Management Consulting and Coaching Firm turned 5 and I have been reflecting on the path forward. Finally acknowledging the weight of my exhaustion and heartbreak. Acknowledging my fears. Giving myself an out if needed. Acknowledging to myself that I don’t want or need an out, I just want to get back to my original vision for my Firm.

So back to the conversation about fear with my bf.

It came up because he named to me that I had been a little on the fearful side when it comes to the future. In response I felt it was important that he saw me as brave. I needed him to know that bravery is a very core piece of my identity. But as I was telling him about the brave decisions of my past, I realized what was happening was really me reminding myself of my brave past.

It felt like a version of me was reaching out to my current self from the past and asking for freedom from suppression.

I felt the gentle nudge of my inner child asking for bravery as part of our self expression. Asking for permission to resource my present self with the courage to see the future through the lens of faith and hope.

And I guess this is current me saying “okay fine, let’s be brave again.”

Salem circa 2015. newly lawyered and full of hope.

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